JanFishler

Author ~ Happiness Coach

Resistance and Fear – Outsmarting the Beast

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If there is one thing we all need to overcome it’s resistance. I’m NOT talking about ohms– the opposition to current flow in an electrical circuit.  The type of resistance I’m talking about is the one we suffer from when we procrastinate or put off tasks that are essential to our creative or personal growth.  Of course, what we resist persists–unless we do something to change the status quo. There is always a reason for our hesitancy or reluctance.  The challenge is getting to the source of our discomfort to see what we can do to calm the beast that’s preventing us from moving forward. Sometimes, there is a good reason we refuse to change, but most of the time, it comes down to fear of the unknown and false expectations about what we perceive the future holds.

FEAR

No one likes to admit that we’re afraid, but if we look closely at our resistance, fear in any of it’s disguises is usually the source.  Anxiety, angst, dread, panic, self-judgment–what ever you call it, fear is the epicenter of our unwillingness to move forward. Here are some of the unconscious beliefs harbored by the little monster called fear. I’m not good, smart, clever enough. People will make fun of me if…There’s not enough time to…Other people are better at… You get the idea. The truth is, our subconscious programming is alive and well sabotaging our efforts and preventing us from moving forward. How it plays out in life is different for everyone.

For example, it took me years to begin writing my adoption memoir. I was so afraid that my story wasn’t compelling enough, that I wasn’t a good enough writer, that I would never find a publisher.  Then, one day, it occurred to me that I could just write the memoir for myself. I could write my story for my eyes only. Instead of putting undo pressure on myself to live up to a lofty expectation, I could write a little every day and see where it went.  I could take a writing workshop and get feedback on my work. I could fill in gaps in my knowledge by reading books about writing fiction. Eventually, I built up enough confidence to share my writing with other writers and the smartest thing I did was work with an editor. Step-by-step, I overcame resistance and self published my book.

Self publication led to book marketing and new options for resistance opened up. Book in hand, there were new fears and challenges to overcome.  But here’s the thing — knowing that resistance is inevitable makes it manageable because even thought the monster looks different, it’s always the same–fear. What if I couldn’t sell the 3,000 books I ordered? What marketing strategies among thousands would work? Would my book tour be successful?  I was afraid of failing and I was also afraid of success. My book was raw and I felt vulnerable, afraid I’d told too much of the story, afraid I was too honest. I also didn’t have a clue about book marketing and my fear of failure was very real.

THE SOLUTION

I knew I was dealing with the monster of fear who manifested as resistance and procrastination. That monster would always be lurking in the shadows. So, I decided it was time to come up with a strategy for taming the beast once and for all. Turns out, resistance is strongest when there is a lot to gain or lose, but it dissipates and practically disappears when what needs to be done is broken into a tiny task, the smaller the better. So, I started limiting my tasks. Today I will email two adoption agencies and tell them about my book. Or, today I will introduce myself and my book to one local bookstore.  One or two tasks at a time became three or four and eventually I was able to spend half the day on marketing. Eventually, I sold all 3000 books and I kept fear at bay.

That was twelve years ago. Since then I’ve encountered resistance multiple times. It’s always about some sort of fear–real or imagined. In every instance, the solution is the same: break the task down into tiny puzzle pieces and move forward one little piece at a time. The next time the dynamic duo, resistance and fear, turn up for you, take a moment to consider your options. First, ask yourself, What am I resisting? Then, identify the fear. If it’s not justified, move forward.  Finally, take one tiny action.

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Jan Fishler is the author of Searching for Jane, Finding Myself (an adoption memoir), Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life, Flex Your Writing Muscle (365 Writing Prompts), and  PTSD: Lessons From Vietnam. She is a motivational speaker who also teaches writing classes online. More about Jan at www.JanFishler.net.

Habits of Successful People

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Habits — the good, the bad and the ugly. The goal is to develop good ones, but that’s not always easy. Obstacles often abound making it difficult to reach your objective. Many times,  the things that trip us up and stop us dead in our tracks are often of our own making. Fear, perfection, ego, avoidance, hopelessness, apathy, comparing yourself to others–the list goes on and on.

Generally, obstacles come from the unconscious programming we received as children and never bothered to rethink and repair. Voices of former teachers who lacked faith in our abilities, critical parents, teasing by older siblings. The little jabs and digs add up until we lose faith in our abilities and in ourselves. Feeling worthless or less than, we let go of dreams and aspirations and settle for good enough. We stop believing that our goals are attainable. Bitching and complaining, we stay in dead-end jobs and remain in unfulfilling relationships. If this goes on long enough, we simply give up. Negative beliefs and bad habits can be reversed.

You can rewire your brain and overcome hurdles.

Fortunately, it’s possible to reprogram the brain to overcome the hurdles that prevent us from achieving our goals. It doesn’t take years of therapy to become a highly successful person. We’ve come a long way since 1987 when Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People was published. The field of neuroscience provides an array of solutions for overcoming habits and behaviors that no longer serve us.  This field includes any or all of the sciences that deal with the structure or function of the nervous system and brain. As a result of research in these fields, rewiring the brain for better results–including optimal health and wellness–has become a popular pursuit.  Books on the topic abound. and so do free audio recordings. Just Google, “reprogram the brain” or “rewire the brain.”  There are also many experts in the rewire field such as Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Bruce Lipton.

Strategies to change your thinking abound.

Clinical Hypnosis, Emotional Freedom Technique (Tapping), Gratitude daily practice, Inner Child Work, Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP), and Psych K , to name a few.

My journey began with hypnosis. It was the mid-80s and out of many candidates, I was selected to be the writer/producer for a large Bay Area corporation. I’d just completed my master’s degree and student loans were coming due. This job was a lifesaver, but here was one problem. The company had a no smoking policy, and I had a pack-a-day habit.  To make matters worse, most of my smoking occurred as a precursor to a writing assignment. Cigarette smoke was my muse. At the time, I had been videotaping hypnosis training workshops where I saw first-hand the power of this therapeutic technique.  I called the psychologist in charge. If anyone could help me, it would be him. Two sessions did the trick. A week later, I was smoke free and I never smoked again.

Trick the subconscious mind to make life better.

That experience launched my mission to discover other ways to trick my subconscious into making my life better. My bag of tricks includes affirmations, breath work, exercise, laughter, relaxation, meditation, music, self-hypnosis and visualization.  A little NLP and gratitude is also part of the mix. For example, whenever I need to write anything I stretch and get into a relaxed state of mind. Then, I picture my ideal outcome and imagine myself writing quickly and with ease.  Before I start typing, I tell my subconscious what I need: you have forty minutes to complete this blog post. If I’m not in a great mood I might do some laughter yoga–yes, it’s a thing or add items to my gratitude journal.

Check out Mel Robbins, The 5 Second Rule.

Most recently I discovered Mel Robbins book, The 5 Second Rule. Robbins says, “The 5-second rule is simple. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill it. …. Hesitation is the kiss of death. You might hesitate for a just nanosecond, but that’s all it takes.” The trick is to count backwards: 5-4-3-2-1 and then act.  This past week I’ve used the rule to not have a second glass of wine, not eat dessert, not binge watch Chicago Med.  I’ve also used the rule to make progress on my seemingly endless to do list.  Thank you, Mel!

It’s unrealistic to think that life will always go as planned, but there’s no reason to let obstacles real and imagined thwart our progress. An abundance of tools are available to help you rewire your brain to become happier, healthier and more productive.

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Jan Fishler is the author of Searching for Jane, Finding Myself (an adoption memoir), Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life, Flex Your Writing Muscle (365 Writing Prompts), and  PTSD: Lessons From Vietnam. She is a motivational speaker who also teaches writing classes online. More about Jan at www.JanFishler.net.

Courage to Write

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Writing a memoir takes courage. It often means taking a deep dive into the past and sharing secrets with strangers, family and friends. Judgment of your work and of your life looms large–another reason why you have to be courageous. This past month I’ve been teaching thirteen brave women how to write a memoir. For most of the women, the  topics they have chosen to write about requires delving deep into and making sense of childhood memories. Three of the women are writing about growing up with mothers who were mentally ill. They are on a rough road  that will ultimately lead to healing. Processing memories and feelings that come up is not easy but it is possible.

When I wrote my adoption memoir, I cried every time I sat down. Often, I wasn’t sure why there were so many tears, but I let them flow until they stopped. Then I wrote.  Each word helped me makes sense of the abandonment I experienced as an infant. It took courage to write this story.

Some memoirs are on lighter topics. One women is writing about her childhood in India before she moved to America.  The youngest of nine children raised by a single mother with a third grade education, her success story is nothing short of miraculous. Topics covered during this most recent class are: online dating, fraud, quirky friends, watching a friend battle AIDS, an illustrious business career and open marriage. These are the stories shared by brave women–some for posterity others for publication. I feel so privileged  to shepherd the process. Once everyone knows the rules for this type of writing, they practice the craft word-by-word, paragraph-by-paragraph, scene-by-scene. For all topics, courage is required to tell a story with passion and honesty.

To make it easy to get feedback on their writing,  I encourage people to write every day and share in a private Facebook group. Reading what others write is helpful. It inspires confidence and fosters honesty. It’s not easy to reveal inner thoughts and feelings and seeing someone else do it helps you to take a risk. As author Anne Lamott says, “You own every that happened to you. Tell your stories. if people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Once you gather courage, you can  write your truth–the story you were meant to tell.

If you want to write a memoir, here is how to get started:

1. Follow Habit #2 from Stephen Covey’s The 7Habits of Highly Effective People.  “Begin with the end in mind.” Begin each project with a clear vision of your desired direction and destination. Then, make it happen. My dad used to say, “If you don’t know where you’re going, it doesn’t matter what road you take, any road will get you there.”  Before you begin to write, be clear about your destination, your goal.

2. Set aside a time and place to write every day–even if it’s only five or ten minutes–and write. Writing is a craft and the best way to perfect the craft is to develop a writing habit.

3. Write with reckless abandon and without judgment.  Let the worlds flow without paying attention to grammar, spelling, syntax or the voice of your high school English teacher. Once you have a “shitty” first draft, you have something to work with.

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Jan Fishler is the author of Searching for Jane, Finding Myself (an adoption memoir), Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life, Flex Your Writing Muscle (365 Writing Prompts), and  PTSD: Lessons From Vietnam. She is a motivational speaker who also teaches writing classes online. More about Jan at www.JanFishler.net