Jan Fishler

Author and Happiness Coach

Resistance and Fear – Outsmarting the Beast

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If there is one thing we all need to overcome it’s resistance. I’m NOT talking about ohms– the opposition to current flow in an electrical circuit.  The type of resistance I’m talking about is the one we suffer from when we procrastinate or put off tasks that are essential to our creative or personal growth.  Of course, what we resist persists–unless we do something to change the status quo. There is always a reason for our hesitancy or reluctance.  The challenge is getting to the source of our discomfort to see what we can do to calm the beast that’s preventing us from moving forward. Sometimes, there is a good reason we refuse to change, but most of the time, it comes down to fear of the unknown and false expectations about what we perceive the future holds.

FEAR

No one likes to admit that we’re afraid, but if we look closely at our resistance, fear in any of it’s disguises is usually the source.  Anxiety, angst, dread, panic, self-judgment–what ever you call it, fear is the epicenter of our unwillingness to move forward. Here are some of the unconscious beliefs harbored by the little monster called fear. I’m not good, smart, clever enough. People will make fun of me if…There’s not enough time to…Other people are better at… You get the idea. The truth is, our subconscious programming is alive and well sabotaging our efforts and preventing us from moving forward. How it plays out in life is different for everyone.

For example, it took me years to begin writing my adoption memoir. I was so afraid that my story wasn’t compelling enough, that I wasn’t a good enough writer, that I would never find a publisher.  Then, one day, it occurred to me that I could just write the memoir for myself. I could write my story for my eyes only. Instead of putting undo pressure on myself to live up to a lofty expectation, I could write a little every day and see where it went.  I could take a writing workshop and get feedback on my work. I could fill in gaps in my knowledge by reading books about writing fiction. Eventually, I built up enough confidence to share my writing with other writers and the smartest thing I did was work with an editor. Step-by-step, I overcame resistance and self published my book.

Self publication led to book marketing and new options for resistance opened up. Book in hand, there were new fears and challenges to overcome.  But here’s the thing — knowing that resistance is inevitable makes it manageable because even thought the monster looks different, it’s always the same–fear. What if I couldn’t sell the 3,000 books I ordered? What marketing strategies among thousands would work? Would my book tour be successful?  I was afraid of failing and I was also afraid of success. My book was raw and I felt vulnerable, afraid I’d told too much of the story, afraid I was too honest. I also didn’t have a clue about book marketing and my fear of failure was very real.

THE SOLUTION

I knew I was dealing with the monster of fear who manifested as resistance and procrastination. That monster would always be lurking in the shadows. So, I decided it was time to come up with a strategy for taming the beast once and for all. Turns out, resistance is strongest when there is a lot to gain or lose, but it dissipates and practically disappears when what needs to be done is broken into a tiny task, the smaller the better. So, I started limiting my tasks. Today I will email two adoption agencies and tell them about my book. Or, today I will introduce myself and my book to one local bookstore.  One or two tasks at a time became three or four and eventually I was able to spend half the day on marketing. Eventually, I sold all 3000 books and I kept fear at bay.

That was twelve years ago. Since then I’ve encountered resistance multiple times. It’s always about some sort of fear–real or imagined. In every instance, the solution is the same: break the task down into tiny puzzle pieces and move forward one little piece at a time. The next time the dynamic duo, resistance and fear, turn up for you, take a moment to consider your options. First, ask yourself, What am I resisting? Then, identify the fear. If it’s not justified, move forward.  Finally, take one tiny action.

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Jan Fishler is the author of Searching for Jane, Finding Myself (an adoption memoir), Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life, Flex Your Writing Muscle (365 Writing Prompts), and  PTSD: Lessons From Vietnam. She is a motivational speaker who also teaches writing classes online. More about Jan at www.JanFishler.net.

5 Steps to Overcome Resistance

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5 Steps to Overcome Resistance

January has come and gone and here it is mid-February and I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the sentence, “Whatever we resist persists,” that I read in The Presence Process, by Michael Brown. It’s such a simple and obvious statement of truth, that it hard seems worthy of mention, let alone a blog post, but the effects of these four words keep coming back to haunt me. Of course, when faced with something harmful or dangerous, resistance can save your life, but what about the things we resist doing that could ultimately be beneficial?

For example, for the last two years I’ve resisted: losing the last five pounds, finishing a novel I’ve been working on for at least the same amount of time, checking in on old friends, getting help with my website, cleaning the garage, and painting the house. Obviously, some of these tasks may be more objectionable than others, but I’m resisting things that could ultimately bring me satisfaction and enjoyment. In other words, my resistance is a form a self-sabotage, and it is preventing me from getting what I really desire.

Let’s start with something easy like losing 5 pounds. If I lose five pounds, my clothes will feel more comfortable, and I’ll feel better about my appearance. With a goal of losing two pounds a week—something that is entirely attainable—I could easily be at my desired weight in a month. But it doesn’t happen.

Another case in point is my unfinished novel. I know that if I were to write for one hour each day, I would have a draft within four months. Finishing my book would be a fantastic accomplishment, yet I can’t seem to make time for it.

When we know the desired outcome is something that will ultimately make life better, why do we persist in not fulfilling our dreams? We resist and the obstacle—the very thing we desire to overcome—persists. I’m not a psychologist, but it’s my belief that we are so entrenched in our patterns of behavior that even the smallest deviation is difficult. We are creatures of habit and our brain doesn’t care whether the habit is one that benefits or sabotages us. The issue then is how to overcome our programming (trick our brain) into accepting new patterns.  Here are five steps I believe will work:

  1. Pick one thing you have been resisting and focus on only that. If you have a list of projects you’ve been resisting, begin with something you can accomplish in a relatively short amount of time. The goal here is to experience success as quickly as possible so that your brain gets with the new program—the one that forges ahead regardless of obstacles and previous experiences. If we try to reach too many goals or make too many changes all at once, we dilute our efforts and accomplish little or nothing.
  2. Set realistic goals. If you need to lose 5 pounds, give yourself three weeks. If you want to read the collected works of Shakespeare, then you might want to break your efforts into smaller steps like reading one play a week. Note to self: If you are completing a novel, make that project a priority for at least 4 months and then adhere to a schedule.
  3. Be clear about the benefits you will receive by making the desired change. If I lose 5 pounds my jeans will feel more comfortable and I’ll look better in them. If I carve out a reasonable amount of time to work on and complete my novel, eventually, I’ll have a first draft, and be on my way to completing something I really want to finish.
  4. Publicly announce the change you intend to make. Weight Watchers, AA, and other support groups are forums designed to hold people accountable. Showing up and being in the presence of others who have similar goals is what creates accountability. Go ahead, state your intention to a few friends or co-workers and elicit the support you need to get what you want.
  5. Reward your efforts. If you have ever trained a dog, you know how effective those treats can be. Our brains are wired the same way. When we did a good job as kids we received “A”s, gold stars, ice cream, or something similar for a job well done. Those rewards worked to keep us motivated. Adults need rewards too. One writer I know uses email as her reward. She doesn’t check it until she’s completed writing her quota for the day. Whether you take yourself out for coffee, go to a movie, or buy a new pair of jeans, be sure to build in rewards for your accomplishments – little rewards for the small achievements and big rewards for landmarks.
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Do you procrastinate? Do you keep putting that important writing project on the back burner even though it could cost you your job? Would you like to finally eliminate the major obstacle that prevents most writers from getting their thoughts on the page quickly and painlessly? Subscribe to my Newsletter (upper right corner) and the solution will be delivered directly to your inbox. 

 

Writing Prompt: Write About Resistance

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 Writing Prompt: Write About Resistance

According to some online dictionaries, resistance is, “The act of opposing or withstanding;”  “A force that tends to oppose or retard motion;” “The refusal to accept or comply with something.” What do you resist? What would your life be like if you embraced it instead? Write about resistance and see what comes up for you.

The other morning I wrote one of my many to-do lists and saw that a few of the items are repeats from previous lists. I’m resisting certain activities, and most of them have to do with marketing my services. For example, I haven’t hung posters or sent the press release about an upcoming workshop. I haven’t contacted the activity directors at the 55+ communities in my area about teaching memoir-writing. Although I did manage to compile an impressive list of contacts at cruise Lines, I have resisted making the calls. I’m not sure what this resistance is all about, but I suspect it’s fear of something–success,  failure, or most likely, rejection. As an adoptee whose core issue is abandonment, it would make sense that fear of rejection is the culprit. Logically, this is ridiculous. Marketing is nothing more than letting people know about my services and seeing if there’s a match.

Resistance is a form of self-sabotage, a destructive and negative pattern that prevents us from doing what we want and having what we need.  I think the trick to eliminating resistance to certain tasks is to pick one or two and simply focus on them until they are accomplished, without giving too much thought to the outcome, without over-thinking it. For instance, today, I will pick up the phone and call one activity director and one cruise ship and see what I can discover about their needs. There. It’s done.

But in some cases resistance is more insidious.

When I think about resistance, I realize it’s been a thread throughout my life. Why else would I hold on to the last 10 pounds, people who no longer serve me, or thoughts and beliefs that no longer work? What would my life be like if I embraced the things I tend to resist? If I avoided the foods that give me the extra padding?  If I spent less time with people who hold me back and more time with individuals who are getting things done? If I shooed away negative thoughts?

If I answer these questions honestly, I arrive at an interesting picture. If I didn’t resist losing the last 10 pounds, my clothes would fit better and I would feel better too. If I didn’t resist calling activity directors, I’d probably have seminars and workshops scheduled for spring and summer. If I didn’t resist calling cruise ships, I’d have my audition behind me, and travel to various port cities in my immediate future. In other words, I’d have what I want.

I’ll save why I get into self-sabotage for another prompt.  For me, this one has been insightful enough. Writing is an excellent  way to notice and make sense of situations that I tend to ignore. What does writing do for you?