Jan Fishler

Author and Happiness Coach

Happiness

Two Antidotes to Unhappiness: Self-Reflection and Realistic Thinking

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Self-Reflection and Realistic Thinking are two antidotes to unhappiness.

There are many reasons why you aren’t happy. Unrealistic expectations and seeking happiness outside of yourself are two significant ones.  If you’re honest, you know you’re guilty of one or the other, or both.

Unrealistic expectations are beliefs or assumptions about how things should be, rather than how they are, often leading to disappointment and frustration. Examples include expecting everyone to like you, believing life should be fair, or assuming your partner will change to fit your needs perfectly. Not only can these expectations negatively impact your mental health and your relationships,  but they can also cause you to be unhappy. It follows that looking for happiness outside of yourself is just as unproductive. If you need material possessions or the approval of others to feel good about yourself, your happiness is at stake. Of course, there are times when a new outfit or an ‘atta boy’ or ‘atta girl’ from the boss boosts your mood. If you spend most of your time shopping or seeking praise, you’re going to find happiness to be elusive.

Where does happiness come from?

True happiness comes from within. It’s knowing that you can make yourself happy, regardless of what’s going on around you — even when the drama or chaos of others surrounds you. It’s the knowledge that you don’t have to get involved. Instead, you can always be empathetic while maintaining clear boundaries. If necessary, you can even avoid people who drain your energy, cause you stress, or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s choosing to be around people not because you need them, but because you enjoy their company. Why? Because they encourage you to be your best self and brighten your day. Most of all, it’s valuing your time and using it in ways that help you evolve and grow.

Why is Happiness Important? If you’ve read my other blogs, you already know the answer, but if not, research confirms that happiness is important because it positively impacts nearly every area of your life. This includes your physical and mental well-being, your relationships, and your productivity. Being happy also strengthens your immune system, improves heart health, increases longevity, and reduces stress. Additionally, happiness fosters resilience, making it easier to cope with challenges and setbacks.  If you’re not satisfied, you may want to take action.


What can you do to develop better habits?

If you’re guilty of setting unrealistic expectations or seeking happiness outside of yourself, what can you do to change these patterns and develop better habits?  Breaking free from unrealistic expectations of yourself or others requires self-reflection and a willingness to embrace realistic thinking. Meditation and Journaling are the tools I use to uncover my inner thoughts. I tend to expect a lot from myself, so setting aside time each morning for reflection and writing helps me clarify my goals for the day. 
For example, each night before bed, I write a to-do list for the following day. In the morning, after meditating, I’m able to be more realistic about what I can actually accomplish. Journaling helps me focus on the details and develop an effective action plan.  The journaling technique I use is straightforward. With pencil and paper or on a laptop, I write a question and then write or type the answer without giving thought to sentence structure. This method lets me tap into my subconscious and take advantage of my inner wisdom. I’m often surprised by what I know! 
Keep in mind that change takes practice. Becoming a happier person will take time, so during your journey be sure to practice self-compassion,  focus on personal growth rather than perfection, and celebrate progress along the way. 
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Jan Fishler is a certified happiness coach and author. Her most recent books are Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life and 52 Ways to Be Happy: from the inside out. You can learn more at www.JanFishler.net.

 

Breathe

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One of the simplest ways to calm your nervous system so that you feel better and consequently feel happier is to breathe. Whenever you’re afraid, stressed out, or anxious, you can use your breath to trick your brain into thinking that everything is okay.

Holding your breath because you’re being chased by a tiger or being held at gunpoint and fearing for your life are scenarios that will ultimately resolve themselves. You’ll either escape or die—hopefully, the former. Assuming you live to tell the tale, your breathing should return to normal.

What happens when you hold your breath or breathe shallowly because stress and anxiety are a routine part of your day? The negative consequences of shallow breathing have been well documented. Shallow breathing can:

  • Reduce oxygen intake. As a result, your brain and body might not get enough oxygen. This can cause fatigue, dizziness, and foggy thinking.
  • Result in impaired immune function because the lymphatic system is only stimulated by deep breathing.
  • Disrupt sleep patterns.
  • Cause carbon dioxide to build up in your blood and cause conditions that affect your lungs, brain, nerves, and muscles.
  • Effect memory and emotional judgment.

While your environment can be filled with stressors that are out of your control (think noise and air pollution, record-breaking temperatures and weather patterns, and the unpredictability of daily living), you can control your breath.

There are lots of breathing techniques that can help you overcome life’s stressors. It’s important to practice a few of these when you’re not anxious or stressed out so that they become a healthy habit you can employ when times are tough. Some popular breathing techniques are:

Box breathing: Breathe in slowly to a count of four. Hold your breath for another count of four at four, gently and without strain. Then, slowly exhale to a count of four. Hold for four. Then, repeat, starting with the inhale. Repeat this for a few minutes.

Extend the exhale: Breathe in for a count of four. Hold for four. Exhale to a count of eight—or twice whatever your inhale count was.

Belly breathing: Lay on your back and place your hands gently on your stomach. Take a slow, deep inhale, and imagine your breath filling your upper chest, lower chest, and eventually, your belly, feeling your belly rise as you inhale. Then, slowly exhale and feel the air first leave your belly, lower chest, and upper chest.

Sun salutation breathing: Stand straight with your feet slightly apart at about hip-width and your hands by your sides. Begin to inhale, and as you do, raise your arms as you take air into your body. When you reach the max of your inhale, your hands should now be above your head. Now, as you exhale, slowly lower your arms with your breath. You may return them to your sides or bring them in front of your chest into a prayer hands pose.

If you want to learn more about breathing techniques—especially those that increase your energy, induce relaxation, or expand your state of mind, you’ll want to read about Holotropic breathwork, soma breath, and Wim Hoff Breathing.

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Jan Fishler is a certified happiness coach and author. Her most recent books are Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life and 52 Ways to Be Happy: from the inside out. You can learn more at www.JanFishler.net.

Routines Contribute to Happiness

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Routines, schedules, and habits go a long way toward creating happiness. Most people enjoy having a plan and knowing how the day will unfold. While surprise adds spice to life, predictability grounds us and provides a feeling of security. Regardless of who you are or what you do, it’s likely that feeling safe and secure is essential to your mental and physical well-being. But what happens when your life gets out of control? What can you do to regain composure in a chaotic world?

Creating routines is one of the easiest ways to manage a disorderly life. A consistent beginning and ending to your day can make a huge difference in how you feel. Your schedule might be different than that of your friends or family members, but creating activities that create order can eliminate stress and create peace of mind.

Create a Morning Routine

Creating a morning routine is a great place to start. Typical morning routines could include getting up at the same time every morning, making your bed, having a cup of coffee and some breakfast, time spent in the bathroom, getting dressed, packing your lunch or lunches for kids, making a to-do list for the day, checking and responding to emails, meditating, and journaling.

Generating a list of morning activities is the first step. The next step is putting them in order. What you can accomplish during your morning routine will depend on when you get up and how much time you have before you start work or take your kids to school. Of course, if you work from home or are retired, you’ll have more flexibility than if you adhere to a schedule. To ensure your routine is sustainable, try it out for a few days and see how you feel. Knowing how your morning will unfold usually results in a more relaxed atmosphere for everyone in the household.

Once you establish a flow that works, you might want to add start times. If you do this, to avoid adding stress to your schedule, be sure to add some wiggle room. For example, if your kids need to be at school by 8:00 AM, you might need to get up by 6:00 to avoid unnecessary rushing around. A little trial and error might be required before you land on the ideal morning ritual.

Create an Evening Routine

An evening routine can also help you relax after a busy day and prepare for a good night’s sleep. Elements of an evening ritual include a regular bedtime, a warm bath, listening to music or reading a book, and deep breathing or meditation. Turning off electronics is also recommended. According to healthhub.hif.com, many people benefit from following The 10-3-2-1-0 Sleep Rule:

  • 0 hours before bed: No more caffeine.
  • 3 hours before bed: No more food or alcohol.
  • 2 hours before bed: No more work.
  • 1 hour before bed: No more screen time (shut off all phones, TVs and computers).
  • 0: The number of times you hit snooze in the morning.

Doing the same thing every night before bed lets your brain know you’re ready for a good night’s sleep. According to the American Psychological Association, eight or more hours of sleep each night sleep is the main ingredient for feeling happier, healthier, and safer.

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Jan Fishler is a certified happiness coach and author. Her most recent books are Don’t Stop Now: Making the Most of the Rest of Your Life and 52 Ways to Be Happy: from the inside out. You can learn more at www.JanFishler.net.

Happiness Checklists

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I’m a huge fan of lists . I use them often because they are abbreviated reminders of what I want to accomplish in a given day, week, or year. Lists help me collect my thoughts and prioritize what needs to be done. They shape my day and free me up to think about more important things. Lists are time-savers and sometimes lifesavers. Lists are also a great way to highlight important facts.

The following lists were developed to generate an overview of coaching and how it can help you bring clarity and peace of mind into your life. Because happiness means different things to different people, the first list provides (synonyms) for happiness. The second list covers topics a happiness coach might employ to help you become happier. The third list contains situations that might motivate you to seek out a coach.

Saying you want to be happy generally means you want more…

  • Excitement
  • Joy
  • Pleasure
  • Gratitude
  • Love
  • Enchantment
  • Peace
  • Fulfillment
  • A sense of purpose or meaning
  • Connection
  • Hope
  • Playful
  • Proud
  • Accepted
  • Optimistic
  • Confident
  • Inspired
  • Contentment

 Happiness coaching can show you how to:

  • Create your definition of happiness
  • Improve the quality of your life
  • Explore your emotions to live more fully and authentically
  • Embrace your emotions, not fear them
  • Welcome everything life has to offer
  • Love yourself and others
  • Improve your emotional well-being
  • Turn pain into a positive life transformation
  • Create, follow, and accomplish your dreams
  • Find meaning and value in your life
  • Discover the peace and contentment within
  • Empower you to live a happier life, whatever that means to you
  • Increase your sense of well-being
  • Reduce or eliminate habits that bring you down
  • Increase habits that improve the quality of your life
  • Live life to your full potential
  • Savor little moments
  • Feel peace more often
  • Process and let go of painful memories

Life transitions that may lead you to seek out a happiness coach:

  • Ending a career/job
  • Starting a new career/job
  • Wanting to start a new business
  • Recently ending a relationship
  • Having all the youngest children in the family finally be in school
  • Having adult children finally leave the house
  • Moving to a new town
  • The death of a loved one in the recent past
  • An unexpected medical diagnosis of a loved one (or of themselves)
  • Having gone through a challenging year and wanting new inspiration
  • Middle age
  • recent retirement